Seeking happiness… can the pursuit of happiness make us less happy?

Most people come to counselling with a simple hope: “I just want to be happy.”

It sounds reasonable. After all, happiness is usually seen as the ultimate goal of life. Right?

But some psychological research suggests something surprising — the harder we try to be happy, the more elusive happiness can become.

One influential study by psychologist Iris Mauss and colleagues helps explain why this happens and why so many people feel stuck in what’s often called the “happiness trap”.

The Problem With Making Happiness the Goal

We often assume that valuing happiness will naturally lead to feeling happier…but what happens when happiness becomes something we strive for, monitor, and evaluate? When happiness is treated as a personal benchmark or achievement, it can actually create pressure. Instead of enjoying life as it unfolds, we start asking ourselves:

•     “Am I happy enough?”

•     “Why don’t I feel happier right now?”

•     “What’s wrong with me?”

This kind of self monitoring pulls us out of the moment and turns happiness into a test we feel we’re failing.

When people expected happiness and didn’t feel it strongly enough, enjoyment collapsed under the weight of expectation.

Why Does This Happen?

Disappointment plays a central role.

When happiness becomes a goal, instead of experiencing happiness, we start evaluating it. And happiness doesn’t thrive under evaluation!

How This Shows Up in Real Life

You might recognise this pattern:

•     Feeling guilty for not enjoying a holiday

•     Feeling flat at a celebration and wondering what’s wrong with you

•     Telling yourself “I should be happier than this”

•     Comparing your emotional life to others’ highlights

Ironically, these moments — where happiness is expected — are exactly where happiness becomes hardest to access.

REMEMBER- Happiness works best as a by product, not a goal.

Many modern therapeutic approaches, including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

(ACT), focus less on feeling happy and more on:

•     Living in line with personal values

•     Allowing emotions to come and go

•     Reducing self judgement about feelings

•     Making room for the full range of human experience

From this perspective, wellbeing grows not from chasing happiness, but from engaging meaningfully with life — even when it’s uncomfortable. If you’ve been caught in the happiness trap, it’s not because you’re doing something wrong. It’s because our culture often teaches us that happiness is something we should constantly achieve.

REMEMBER-  It’s okay not to feel happy all the time! Emotions don’t need fixing to be valid. Letting go of the struggle to be happy often creates more space for contentment, connection, and meaning.

Sometimes, the most helpful question isn’t:

“How can I be happier?”

But rather:

“How can I live well — even when happiness comes and goes?”